It struck me like lightening.The phase has actually come to an end.We will never share those beautiful nursing moments ever again.
There are so many things I want to write. so many beautiful moments to share. Breastfeeding was the one thing I thought i would never be able to do but i was so wrong! It was like reflex action. From the moment you latched,I knew there was no looking back.
However,the past few months have been quite frustrating for me with your increased demands to be nursed whenever and wherever. And while at that point,I was looking forward to the end of this phase, I also wanted you complete 2 full years before i stopped. So i stuck on irrespective of how I felt . Also we had this huge india trip planned and your grandma was of the opinion that I not stop before that since the trip may be unsettling for you especially with all the wedding hungama( thank you umma!!I am so glad I listened to you. Mommies know best!)
We decided to adopt the cold turkey method with you considering our futile attempts at reducing the number of feeding sessions. I used the old wives method and applied some bitter paste. You were completely turned off by the taste and refused to feed that day. However you did ask repeatedly and then would respond to your own question with ‘mamma ouchi, no Bella( your synonym for milk) . Naptime and night time were the most difficult since you had no clue how to sleep without feeding.It was heartbreaking to hear you cry in the middle of the night because you wanted to feed but you also thought mamma was in pain and so didn’t want to ask. I don’t think I have seen any emotion more pure or more raw than this. The following nights were a challenge with crying bouts and sleeplessness but in all honesty you took it much better than expected. And my body reacted worse than i expected. I was in pain from all the milk filling up and ran a fever(please note- cabbage leaves actually help reduce the pain.When my sister asked me to try it, i was a bit wary but also in a situation to do anything to reduce the pain.all you need to do is crush 2 leaves with a rolling pin and apply one leaf each on each breast. It is a slow process but definitely works.The only flip side was i smelt like cabbage and that is not a good smell!). Along with the irrational fear that you may never need me anymore, i was upto my neck with everything that had to be handled. And so all other emotions were kept aside while we battled all this head first!
( by the way, you helped me get over that irrational fear on the very first night when you demanded that I carry you,nursing or not.)
Even though we are still in the process of weaning, things are much better today. And thats when then it struck me! You wont ever nurse again. We won’t cuddle up on the oversized recliner while you fed and I made funny faces at you.. I will never get to hear that excited giggle reserved exclusively for feeding time. And then my heart broke into a million pieces.how I wish I had recorded those moments.
I will miss nursing you bunny rabbit. That was the one thing that was exclusively for you and me. And now that its over, i am not sure how to move on.
Until we find another exclusive bonding session,
P.s- i think my feeding blanket deserves special mention for being my constant and faithful companion the past 2 years.