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Momzilla!

Mommy madness!!

Phases..

It struck me like lightening.The phase has actually come to an end.We will never share those beautiful nursing moments ever again.

There are so many things I want to write. so many beautiful moments to share. Breastfeeding was the one thing I thought i would never be able to do but i was so wrong! It was like reflex action. From the moment you latched,I knew there was no looking back.

However,the past few months have been quite frustrating for me with your increased demands to be nursed whenever and wherever. And while at that point,I was looking forward to the end of this phase, I also wanted  you complete 2 full years  before i stopped. So i stuck on irrespective of how I felt . Also we had this huge india trip planned and your grandma was of the opinion that I not stop before that since the trip may be unsettling for you especially with all the wedding hungama( thank you umma!!I am so glad I listened to you. Mommies know best!) 

We decided to adopt the cold turkey method with you considering our futile attempts at reducing the number of feeding sessions. I used the old wives method and applied some bitter paste. You were completely turned off by the taste and refused to feed that day. However you did ask repeatedly and then would respond to your own question with ‘mamma ouchi, no Bella( your synonym for milk) . Naptime and night time were the most difficult since you had no clue how to sleep without feeding.It was heartbreaking to hear you cry in the middle of the night because you wanted to feed but you also thought mamma was in pain and so didn’t want to ask. I don’t think I have seen any emotion more pure or more raw than this. The following nights were a challenge with crying bouts and sleeplessness but in all honesty you took it much better than expected. And my body reacted worse than i expected. I was in pain from all the milk filling up and ran a fever(please note- cabbage leaves actually help reduce the pain.When my sister asked me to try it, i was a bit wary but also in a situation to do anything to reduce the pain.all you need to do is crush 2 leaves with a rolling pin and apply one leaf each on each breast. It is a slow process but definitely works.The only flip side was i smelt like cabbage and that is not a good smell!). Along with the irrational fear that you may never need me anymore, i was upto my neck with everything that had to be handled. And so all other emotions were kept aside while we battled all this head first! 

( by the way, you helped me get over that irrational fear on the very first night when you demanded that I carry you,nursing or not.)

Even though we are still in the process of weaning, things are much better today. And thats when then it struck me! You wont ever nurse again. We won’t cuddle up on the oversized recliner while you fed and I made funny faces at you.. I will never get to hear that excited giggle reserved exclusively for feeding time. And then my heart broke into a million pieces.how I wish I had recorded those moments.

I will miss nursing you bunny rabbit. That was the one thing that was exclusively for you and me. And now that its over, i am not sure how to move on.

Until we find another exclusive bonding session,

Tearfully yours

Nikhi Mama

P.s- i think my feeding blanket deserves special mention for being my constant and faithful companion the past 2 years. 

And she’s off

Summer of 99
Didi and I were spending summer break in Dubai along with Paapa who worked/lived there at the time. However,Mamma and your Umma couldnt join us because Umma was all set to pop you out.Now when i think of it,i have this gut feeling that we were sent to Dubai to stay out of Mamma’s hair while she prepared your Umma for mommyhood.

Fast forward to 3rd May,1999. I see Paapa pacing up and down the sitting room (yes he has been doing it ever since) ever since he received a call earlier that day informing him of Umma’s hospital admission.

And then another phone call!! Its a girl! Paapa finally sits down- expressions of exhilaration and concern playing on his face.Exhilaration on the arrival of his grandchild and concern on the well-being of his first child.i distinctly remember witnessing this and swallowing a sob that threatened to choke out of my throat.

Along the years

First child! FIRST GRANDCHILD!First niece! So many firsts! You had carved a place in our heart that no one else could or will ever fill.Every milestone was celebrated.. every smile was rejoiced. I remember wanting to hold you all the time and not put you down. All my friends knew you. You visited my school and my college,rode pillion on a scooty sandwiched between my friend and me( of which paapa has no clue to date!!)and was just basically a part of everything i did.I did not know it then but i know now. The mommy in me was born the day you were born.

Summer of 2017

What! 18 already! What rubbish! And what is this i hear- off to college????? Away from home!!! No freaking way! Someone hand me a bag.. i think i am going to be sick. I thought i was the only one who was not prepared but all my friends who knew you were in denial too. (Probably because it meant they were approaching old age. Not me though!18 till 1 die is the motto remember). But oh boy was i proud or what! Aced your boards,aced the entrance exam! I thought my chest would burst with all that pride i was feeling!!!

And so before you embark on this journey and at the risk of sounding paranoid, i have listed a few things that i want you to remember always

-Stay safe always! Always!always!

-Trust your instincts.The rare few times that it may be wrong is still ok. After all-rule number 1

-Morals/Ethics: do not give these up for anyone or anything. Stick to it like glue because this is what defines you

-Do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you find yourself in such a situation, quietly walk away. It is better to be alone than in the wrong company

-Do not let anyone make you feel inferior to them. Because you are not

-Do not make anyone feel inferior to you. Because they are not.

-Not everyone will do things the way you do it. But as long as the heart is in the right place and common sense too,that is what matters. Also rule number 1

– Get out of your comfort zone. Start that conversation. Make the first step. Break the ice.
-The first few weeks will be the most difficult. You may find it difficult to function at all because everything and everyone is so new. Gradually it will get easier and you will then reach a point where you start enjoying this new life. However you need to force yourself to take that first step towards feeling better even if you don’t feel like it

– You can tell us anything. Think of the worst possible thing that can happen and then multiply that with a 100. See that! Yea you can tell us that too. So pick up that phone any time of the day or night and make the call. At least one among the 6 of us will be available at any given time

-Be nice but only to people who deserve it. As for the others,you have all rights to take out that attitude umma keeps complaini about.😁. No Gandhiji policy for us pls! If you have to kick some ass then you have to kick some ass!!

All the very best kiddo!Super fun,super exciting and super happy days ahead. May life offer you the tastiest most juiciest mangoes. Yes there will be a few hiccups along the way but what is life without some drama right!

Kill it

Gigi

Momma’s boy? Dadda’s boy?

What does this mean?

Until recently,  everytime bunny rabbit asked for his dad in my presence..i asked myself- what does this mean? You see,i was completely convinced that aari should be asking for his dad  only and only if he did not get what he wanted from me.. after all i was the primary care-giver. I was the one who was spending 24/7 with bumble bee looking after his every need.. knowing what each tear meant … which fall actually hurt.. if he was hungry,thirsty or just looking for some attention..of course the Mister was just as involved but being the bread-winner meant he couldn’t spend all day with him even if he wanted to.

So yes, for the life of me i could not figure out why he wanted his dad when i was around.. there have been days when aari has woken up from his nap asking for dadda and every time he did that my heart broke a little.Every time we were out and bunny asked for his dada or played with him, it broke a little more.. Was i failing as a mother? Would society  deem me a failure?

This insecurity went upto a point where i finally called Mister up and bawled my eyes out.Bear in mind – the mister feels bunny rabbit is a complete momma’s boy and that dadda is just his play toy. So he basically thought i had lost my nuts. I proceeded to ‘ping’ my clan to pour out my woes. One was sweet enough to listen to it for a while but ultimately the both of them asked me to shut the hell up too.

Of course it didnt help when people tried to rub it in either.

I was so blinded by this self-criticism that i really believed that he probably did not need me except when he wanted to nurse. The reality was that every time bunny hurt himself or wasn’t feeling well or was hungry or basically not himself,he would call out for me. Everytime i returned home after an outing that did not include him, he would run to me and give me a bear hug (though he would instantly ask for a feed.. like i am his personalised vending machine and nothing else!!)But I only noted the times he asked for his dadda.

Eventually i realised that none of these really matter, does it. He doesn’t have to be a momma’s boy  in order to consider myself a successful parent. He can totally want the both of us equally. There is no harm in that is there? As long as i am there for him,doing everything that is humanly possible to keep him happy,healthy,well-fed and well mannered,does it really matter? He will have his mommy days and his daddy days and his ‘i hate my parents’ days but as long as every day(not every hour though!) is armin day for me,it really doesn’t matter.

So today when he was running around the park calling out for his dada  n then wanting his momma the moment he had a fall ( he refused to go to dadda*victory dance*)..i knew i was on the right path.( while secretly praying that he will always be momma’s boy😉)

TAGS: parenting,mommyhood,hacks,writing,toddlerlife,zerotohero

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What if…

Abhorrence, agitation, angst, anxiety, aversion,chickenheartedness, cold feet, cold sweat, concern, cowardice, creeps, despair, discomposure, dismay, distress, doubt, dread, faintheartedness, foreboding, fright, horror, jitters, misgiving, nightmare, panic, phobia, terror, timidity, trembling, tremor, trepidation, unease, uneasiness, worry- Wikipedia’s synonyms for fear.

Also, exactly what i went through last night. And for what?Purely fictional scenarios that have been playing inside my head.

We have a short trip planned next month..to meet the needs of a wedding marathon that is to happen mid-year.  Unlike all my other trips where i have experienced only excitement.. this one is different. I cannot but think of all the worst case scenarios that could possibly  happen ..you see,in my mind these nightmares are a reality that has already happened- hence the hyperventilation!!

What if he wanders off too far, what if i let my guard down for a minute, what if i get distracted, what if he leaves my hand in a crowd, what if he doesnt want me to carry him, what if he decides to run ahead, what if someone tries to woo him with chocolate, what if somebody snatches him from me, what if he falls sick, what if he hurts himself what if what if what if…

This led to me frantically texting my 2 AM clan looking for some relief,some answer,some positivity .. anything that would give me some peace. Before which i scared the crap out of the peacfully sitting Mister by my frenzied speech and actions.. yet the heartbeat refused to slow down.

Whoever said deep breathing helps relax your mind clearly does not have kids!!

End result:zombified,sleep-deprived and a massive headache. I need coffee.

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Caving in..

It eventually happened. I have heard about it, read columns and experienced mini versions of it but a couple of days back, it finally happened. A complete meltdown.

And no i did not see it coming.

That morning was no different from other mornings. The same old routine- wake up,down a mug of coffee,eat and bask in the silence before bub wakes up. Uneventful start… bub his usual cheerful self. We cuddled,stretched, played ball ate some breakfast,played a little more,showered afterward, nursed,played somemore  until it was time for his 1st nap of the day.

And then it was downhill from there.

Bub didnt want to sleep no matter how hard i tried. Finally giving up, i walked to the kitchen to prepare lunch.i could sense my frustration building up but kept a check on it.

Bunny played in the kitchen while i cooked. He loves playing with the storage tins and vessels and so as usual he opens the cabinet and pulls out a tin. Unfortunately the lid was not tightely closed and before i knew it, i had semolina all over my kitchen floor. I called bunny rabbit by his real name rather loudly – purely out of frustration and set out to clean the mess. I still had my frustration at check.. or so i thought. Bunny rabbit then proceeded to empty the duster- onto which i had just collected all the spilt semolina. I stared at the mess in horror and then came the water works. I bawled my heart out (not too loudly though for fear of scarring bunny for life!)blubbering to myself about how much i missed work and adult conversations and coffee meetings and carefree mornings and and and. This probably went on for 20 minutes. I spent the next 20-25 minutes crying a little more-this time out of guilt of putting bub through this..even thought he was oblivious to the whole thing.. bunny thought i was just making weird faces at him like i always do  and so he laughed and laughed while i cried harder and harder.

And then i got up, stretched, fed bub his lunch and put him to sleep.

 

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Ohhhh!the feels…

Just the other day, i was in the kitchen when i heard a loved one correct bunny rabbit for something he was not supposed to be doing. It was a soft and stern NO. But it hit me right where it hurts.. reverberated through the kitchen walls and dived right into the weakest spot of my heart..images of his innocent smile, dopey eyes, half open mouth and every other innocent aspect of that little man flashed before my eyes- so dramatic that it would have put Karan Johar to shame.

I wasnt prepared for this… especially since i am a firm believer of collective parenting- where your squad is equally responsible for rightly disciplining the mini monsters. I know i have done this with my neice(s) and nephew(s)and expected the same in return. However i under estimated the emotions that come with it.. uninvited,illogical,irrational,unrealistic  but very real and very raw. I am hoping this disappears or  at the least subsides as time passes by and/or when the mischief increases to a point where you want to whack the living daylights of them but until then ohhhh!! the feels…..

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Sharing the limelight

So all those fights and trolls and memes over how the fathers barely bear the brunt of parenthood ( which is true of course!) and how they manage to have a life while we dont!( which is true again!) and how they sleep right through the night tears ( cannot get truer than that!),most of us laugh over it whilst secretly agreeing to it all.

And then the mister goes out of town and you reluctantly realise that you were wrong all the while. There are so many things that they do that go unnoticed.. like playing crazy clown that tickles your LO silly.. or taking them out for drives or..or.. ok maybe that is it but you get the jist of it dont you!

So thank you crazy mister,not for all the things that you do ( after all,you are a parent as well and so it is expected that you do what you are supposed to do) but for being the silent spectator while the insane mommy gets to(rightfully!) bask in some glory once in a while and you dont.

Glorified Momzilla

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Mornings with fluffball

That is exactly what bunny rabbit is when he is starting to wake every morning.. a fluff ball.

If i am not in the same room when he wakes, he ll call out for me and wait a few minutes before going full throttle. i try and get to him before that happens most of the time. Once he sees me, he goes back to his sleeping position and gives me that sleepy content smile.. the ones that make your heart constrict and your eyes well up for no reason. he then proceeds to stretching and yawning and the loud ‘sighs’ and the works.By then my heart has already melted and dripping onto the floor.

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This the only time of the day he enjoys being hugged and cuddled and curls into this adorable ball of cuteness.  i can go on and on but you get the message..

By the way,this lasts for all of 5 minutes max.. what happens next.. well, lets leave that for another vent out session,shall we!🙃🙃

 

Mothers.. unite!

It was awesome. A totally unplanned hilarious vent out/ release session that happened not once but twice..wait for it.. ON THE SAME DAY. It is a miracle is what it is!!

As God as my witness, i have to say this- these sessions- that is what keeps me going.i mean,i am no angel and i know it but if i want to be a better parent to bunny rabbit then i have to be able to release this ‘negative’ energy.

Not suprisingly, being judged for the decisions you make as a mother was one of the topics. And that got me wondering. Mommyhood is hard enough without all the spiteful comments and judjements for God’s sake.  Imagine how comforting it would be to hear the good stuff especially when you are constantly questioning yourself on your parenting skills.’I understand’, ‘you are doing a great job’, a knowing smile, a pat on the back  is/are so much better than the condescending tone or the eye-rolling or the ‘does she even know what she is doing’ look. And the saddest part of this all is how it is mostly women and out of that mostly mothers who do this to other women/mothers.

Parents know what is best for their child. So should you know somebody who is doing something  differently to what you do then refrain from passing any sort of judgement . If you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all.

Mothers of the universe- UNITE!!

 

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