Mommy madness!!

Conquering fears..

Somewhere around 1 year and 7 months, you developed a fear of children..especially the really energetic ones!!( considering that 9 out of the 10 kids you know belong to that category, things werent really in your favour😂😂)You would burst into tears and go into panic mode if you didn’t have Dada or me in such situations. 

Let me be honest here,this came as a total surprise because up until then you had no such issues and also because both Fahi and myself are very social people with a large group of friends which means you have been exposed to such gatherings right from day 1.  The weird bit was that you were perfectly fine with adults and having any number of them around you but not children. You loved/love dancing to loud music with 10-11 adults surrounding you but nope, not children!( you’ve gotten it all wrong kid! Children are perfect.. it’s the adults you should be afraid 😑).Friends told me it was just a phase and even though i knew that in my mind.I was still frustrated, wondering when you would get out of this phase or if you would ever.

Fast forward to today.  You are crying because you can’t spot fahi or me. I completely lose my shit( inside my head).. 1 year and nothing has changed..what is it?why is this phase taking so long? Other kids your age seem so much more independent.What am i doing wrong? What is it that you are feeling? Why am i not able to help you out of it etc etc.

Thankfully,the Mister shakes me back to my senses with his words. ‘Nikhi, think of how far Aari has come.. remember how it used to be and think of how it is now. He may not be as independent as some of the other kids..but keeping that aside.. can’t you see the difference? And that gets me thinking.  There is such a huge difference!! Of course there is!!! From refusing to play with other kids, you now run around with everyone.. From crying everytime a child touched you or hugged you, you now let them hug you and sometimes return a hug too. (And if you are really comfortable with the kid you even roll on the floor and lie on them!! Not sure how comfortable the other kid is though!!) .. From being someone who just sat on my lap at most gatherings,you now run around and occasionally look up to ensure that we are still there. From someone who refused to go a few steps away from us, you are now starting to expand the distance.

So what if you need a little time to warm up.. So what if you need to assure yourself that we are still around …So what if you are not comfortable at large gatherings.I am super proud of how much you have achieved over the months. I am certain you will get out if this phase entirely at some point with a little encouragement and push from our side.

Like someone once said, a comfort zone is a beautiful place to stay but nothing is ever achieved there.  Rest assured we will continue prodding  you to step out of it.

 Yes I may get impatient and frustrated at times but then that is one of the million reasons Fahi is around,isint it. To make me take that chill pill( even if he has to force it down my throat!!)

To put it in your words, ‘ Umma poud of you aai’ ( Umma proud of aari is what you mean to say but you are saying it the exact way i say it to you😂😂)

And to the few nasty people who comment or brand you based on this phase of yours, i very politely show them my middle finger.

Proudly Yours


Talkative Two’s!

Umma.. mamma. Mammaaaaa.. ummmaaaa..mammaaii. ummaai!!!!!!


Nobody told me that the terrible two’s also meant the talkative two’s.  You have been talking so much that its like listening to this running commentary during a cricket match. Only difference being, there is just one commentator here and he is just learning how to frame sentences and pronounce new words. Every word, every sentence coming out of our mouth is observed and imitated. Which means

1)nothing goes unnoticed

2)we have to watch our language very VERY carefully(here’s kissing goodbye to cuss words and sh***y language)  

So it came as no surprise when the Teaching Assistant at your play school described you as talkative. She went on to say how much you love to talk especially during circle time and story time. They encourage the communication wholeheartedly..  So do I but let’s just skip the *wholeheartedly’ bit when it comes to me,shall we. 😅

You absolutely love talking about everything you see and everything that is happening to you and around you. For example, if I am hanging the clothes out to dry you will say to no one in particular- ‘looook umma putting dessss outtt’ or if your dada is changing your diaper you will say-‘ dadaa putting diaper aaaaai’. 

To a point where you even try to describe your potty and pee sessions in detail. EVRERY SINGLE TIME. Admittedly fahi loves it but let me be honest with you.. I donnnnt! Yes i smile and laugh but cringe inwardly. I have never been comfortable with potty jokes/description and I doubt if i ever will be.

You blabber the most just before sleep time- be it your evening nap or your bedtime. And once you realise that you are not going to get any response from fahi or me( because the only way you ll sleep is if we close our eyes and pretend to be asleep), you proceed to talk to yourself. The words are incorrigible..and I cannot make out half the things you say but ooo boy! you definitely know what you are talking about because there is some laughing and then there are some  exclamations and then somewhere in between you just fall asleep( Faith in God restored).

But hey, i have heard that at some point you all grow up and stop talking to us  so here is hoping you continue yapping to me all your life.

Meanwhile here are some of the sentences that you framed based on the ‘Armin’s Dictionary of Toddler Language’ ( pretty sure the Grammar Queen/King  is twisting and turning in her/his grave)

-Woooooowww umma doing jumpppp( if i am skipping).

-Dada socks takidofffff( if fahi is removing his socks).  

-Look umma aari ball kicking goal. 

– Dada basket throw ball.. 

-umma aai wan oatss. 

-waadapend aaai leg

– aaaiiii waan papaloo yummmyy(wants yummy lollipop)

 and the latest being.. 

-mamma school tututututu( yet to decipher that 

Attentively yours



It struck me like lightening.The phase has actually come to an end.We will never share those beautiful nursing moments ever again.

There are so many things I want to write. so many beautiful moments to share. Breastfeeding was the one thing I thought i would never be able to do but i was so wrong! It was like reflex action. From the moment you latched,I knew there was no looking back.

However,the past few months have been quite frustrating for me with your increased demands to be nursed whenever and wherever. And while at that point,I was looking forward to the end of this phase, I also wanted  you complete 2 full years  before i stopped. So i stuck on irrespective of how I felt . Also we had this huge india trip planned and your grandma was of the opinion that I not stop before that since the trip may be unsettling for you especially with all the wedding hungama( thank you umma!!I am so glad I listened to you. Mommies know best!) 

We decided to adopt the cold turkey method with you considering our futile attempts at reducing the number of feeding sessions. I used the old wives method and applied some bitter paste. You were completely turned off by the taste and refused to feed that day. However you did ask repeatedly and then would respond to your own question with ‘mamma ouchi, no Bella( your synonym for milk) . Naptime and night time were the most difficult since you had no clue how to sleep without feeding.It was heartbreaking to hear you cry in the middle of the night because you wanted to feed but you also thought mamma was in pain and so didn’t want to ask. I don’t think I have seen any emotion more pure or more raw than this. The following nights were a challenge with crying bouts and sleeplessness but in all honesty you took it much better than expected. And my body reacted worse than i expected. I was in pain from all the milk filling up and ran a fever(please note- cabbage leaves actually help reduce the pain.When my sister asked me to try it, i was a bit wary but also in a situation to do anything to reduce the pain.all you need to do is crush 2 leaves with a rolling pin and apply one leaf each on each breast. It is a slow process but definitely works.The only flip side was i smelt like cabbage and that is not a good smell!). Along with the irrational fear that you may never need me anymore, i was upto my neck with everything that had to be handled. And so all other emotions were kept aside while we battled all this head first! 

( by the way, you helped me get over that irrational fear on the very first night when you demanded that I carry you,nursing or not.)

Even though we are still in the process of weaning, things are much better today. And thats when then it struck me! You wont ever nurse again. We won’t cuddle up on the oversized recliner while you fed and I made funny faces at you.. I will never get to hear that excited giggle reserved exclusively for feeding time. And then my heart broke into a million I wish I had recorded those moments.

I will miss nursing you bunny rabbit. That was the one thing that was exclusively for you and me. And now that its over, i am not sure how to move on.

Until we find another exclusive bonding session,

Tearfully yours

Nikhi Mama

P.s- i think my feeding blanket deserves special mention for being my constant and faithful companion the past 2 years. 

And she’s off

Summer of 99
Didi and I were spending summer break in Dubai along with Paapa who worked/lived there at the time. However,Mamma and your Umma couldnt join us because Umma was all set to pop you out.Now when i think of it,i have this gut feeling that we were sent to Dubai to stay out of Mamma’s hair while she prepared your Umma for mommyhood.

Fast forward to 3rd May,1999. I see Paapa pacing up and down the sitting room (yes he has been doing it ever since) ever since he received a call earlier that day informing him of Umma’s hospital admission.

And then another phone call!! Its a girl! Paapa finally sits down- expressions of exhilaration and concern playing on his face.Exhilaration on the arrival of his grandchild and concern on the well-being of his first child.i distinctly remember witnessing this and swallowing a sob that threatened to choke out of my throat.

Along the years

First child! FIRST GRANDCHILD!First niece! So many firsts! You had carved a place in our heart that no one else could or will ever fill.Every milestone was celebrated.. every smile was rejoiced. I remember wanting to hold you all the time and not put you down. All my friends knew you. You visited my school and my college,rode pillion on a scooty sandwiched between my friend and me( of which paapa has no clue to date!!)and was just basically a part of everything i did.I did not know it then but i know now. The mommy in me was born the day you were born.

Summer of 2017

What! 18 already! What rubbish! And what is this i hear- off to college????? Away from home!!! No freaking way! Someone hand me a bag.. i think i am going to be sick. I thought i was the only one who was not prepared but all my friends who knew you were in denial too. (Probably because it meant they were approaching old age. Not me though!18 till 1 die is the motto remember). But oh boy was i proud or what! Aced your boards,aced the entrance exam! I thought my chest would burst with all that pride i was feeling!!!

And so before you embark on this journey and at the risk of sounding paranoid, i have listed a few things that i want you to remember always

-Stay safe always! Always!always!

-Trust your instincts.The rare few times that it may be wrong is still ok. After all-rule number 1

-Morals/Ethics: do not give these up for anyone or anything. Stick to it like glue because this is what defines you

-Do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you find yourself in such a situation, quietly walk away. It is better to be alone than in the wrong company

-Do not let anyone make you feel inferior to them. Because you are not

-Do not make anyone feel inferior to you. Because they are not.

-Not everyone will do things the way you do it. But as long as the heart is in the right place and common sense too,that is what matters. Also rule number 1

– Get out of your comfort zone. Start that conversation. Make the first step. Break the ice.
-The first few weeks will be the most difficult. You may find it difficult to function at all because everything and everyone is so new. Gradually it will get easier and you will then reach a point where you start enjoying this new life. However you need to force yourself to take that first step towards feeling better even if you don’t feel like it

– You can tell us anything. Think of the worst possible thing that can happen and then multiply that with a 100. See that! Yea you can tell us that too. So pick up that phone any time of the day or night and make the call. At least one among the 6 of us will be available at any given time

-Be nice but only to people who deserve it. As for the others,you have all rights to take out that attitude umma keeps complaini about.😁. No Gandhiji policy for us pls! If you have to kick some ass then you have to kick some ass!!

All the very best kiddo!Super fun,super exciting and super happy days ahead. May life offer you the tastiest most juiciest mangoes. Yes there will be a few hiccups along the way but what is life without some drama right!

Kill it


Momma’s boy? Dadda’s boy?

What does this mean?

Until recently,  everytime bunny rabbit asked for his dad in my presence..i asked myself- what does this mean? You see,i was completely convinced that aari should be asking for his dad  only and only if he did not get what he wanted from me.. after all i was the primary care-giver. I was the one who was spending 24/7 with bumble bee looking after his every need.. knowing what each tear meant … which fall actually hurt.. if he was hungry,thirsty or just looking for some attention..of course the Mister was just as involved but being the bread-winner meant he couldn’t spend all day with him even if he wanted to.

So yes, for the life of me i could not figure out why he wanted his dad when i was around.. there have been days when aari has woken up from his nap asking for dadda and every time he did that my heart broke a little.Every time we were out and bunny asked for his dada or played with him, it broke a little more.. Was i failing as a mother? Would society  deem me a failure?

This insecurity went upto a point where i finally called Mister up and bawled my eyes out.Bear in mind – the mister feels bunny rabbit is a complete momma’s boy and that dadda is just his play toy. So he basically thought i had lost my nuts. I proceeded to ‘ping’ my clan to pour out my woes. One was sweet enough to listen to it for a while but ultimately the both of them asked me to shut the hell up too.

Of course it didnt help when people tried to rub it in either.

I was so blinded by this self-criticism that i really believed that he probably did not need me except when he wanted to nurse. The reality was that every time bunny hurt himself or wasn’t feeling well or was hungry or basically not himself,he would call out for me. Everytime i returned home after an outing that did not include him, he would run to me and give me a bear hug (though he would instantly ask for a feed.. like i am his personalised vending machine and nothing else!!)But I only noted the times he asked for his dadda.

Eventually i realised that none of these really matter, does it. He doesn’t have to be a momma’s boy  in order to consider myself a successful parent. He can totally want the both of us equally. There is no harm in that is there? As long as i am there for him,doing everything that is humanly possible to keep him happy,healthy,well-fed and well mannered,does it really matter? He will have his mommy days and his daddy days and his ‘i hate my parents’ days but as long as every day(not every hour though!) is armin day for me,it really doesn’t matter.

So today when he was running around the park calling out for his dada  n then wanting his momma the moment he had a fall ( he refused to go to dadda*victory dance*)..i knew i was on the right path.( while secretly praying that he will always be momma’s boy😉)

TAGS: parenting,mommyhood,hacks,writing,toddlerlife,zerotohero


What if…

Abhorrence, agitation, angst, anxiety, aversion,chickenheartedness, cold feet, cold sweat, concern, cowardice, creeps, despair, discomposure, dismay, distress, doubt, dread, faintheartedness, foreboding, fright, horror, jitters, misgiving, nightmare, panic, phobia, terror, timidity, trembling, tremor, trepidation, unease, uneasiness, worry- Wikipedia’s synonyms for fear.

Also, exactly what i went through last night. And for what?Purely fictional scenarios that have been playing inside my head.

We have a short trip planned next meet the needs of a wedding marathon that is to happen mid-year.  Unlike all my other trips where i have experienced only excitement.. this one is different. I cannot but think of all the worst case scenarios that could possibly  happen see,in my mind these nightmares are a reality that has already happened- hence the hyperventilation!!

What if he wanders off too far, what if i let my guard down for a minute, what if i get distracted, what if he leaves my hand in a crowd, what if he doesnt want me to carry him, what if he decides to run ahead, what if someone tries to woo him with chocolate, what if somebody snatches him from me, what if he falls sick, what if he hurts himself what if what if what if…

This led to me frantically texting my 2 AM clan looking for some relief,some answer,some positivity .. anything that would give me some peace. Before which i scared the crap out of the peacfully sitting Mister by my frenzied speech and actions.. yet the heartbeat refused to slow down.

Whoever said deep breathing helps relax your mind clearly does not have kids!!

End result:zombified,sleep-deprived and a massive headache. I need coffee.









Caving in..

It eventually happened. I have heard about it, read columns and experienced mini versions of it but a couple of days back, it finally happened. A complete meltdown.

And no i did not see it coming.

That morning was no different from other mornings. The same old routine- wake up,down a mug of coffee,eat and bask in the silence before bub wakes up. Uneventful start… bub his usual cheerful self. We cuddled,stretched, played ball ate some breakfast,played a little more,showered afterward, nursed,played somemore  until it was time for his 1st nap of the day.

And then it was downhill from there.

Bub didnt want to sleep no matter how hard i tried. Finally giving up, i walked to the kitchen to prepare lunch.i could sense my frustration building up but kept a check on it.

Bunny played in the kitchen while i cooked. He loves playing with the storage tins and vessels and so as usual he opens the cabinet and pulls out a tin. Unfortunately the lid was not tightely closed and before i knew it, i had semolina all over my kitchen floor. I called bunny rabbit by his real name rather loudly – purely out of frustration and set out to clean the mess. I still had my frustration at check.. or so i thought. Bunny rabbit then proceeded to empty the duster- onto which i had just collected all the spilt semolina. I stared at the mess in horror and then came the water works. I bawled my heart out (not too loudly though for fear of scarring bunny for life!)blubbering to myself about how much i missed work and adult conversations and coffee meetings and carefree mornings and and and. This probably went on for 20 minutes. I spent the next 20-25 minutes crying a little more-this time out of guilt of putting bub through this..even thought he was oblivious to the whole thing.. bunny thought i was just making weird faces at him like i always do  and so he laughed and laughed while i cried harder and harder.

And then i got up, stretched, fed bub his lunch and put him to sleep.





Ohhhh!the feels…

Just the other day, i was in the kitchen when i heard a loved one correct bunny rabbit for something he was not supposed to be doing. It was a soft and stern NO. But it hit me right where it hurts.. reverberated through the kitchen walls and dived right into the weakest spot of my heart..images of his innocent smile, dopey eyes, half open mouth and every other innocent aspect of that little man flashed before my eyes- so dramatic that it would have put Karan Johar to shame.

I wasnt prepared for this… especially since i am a firm believer of collective parenting- where your squad is equally responsible for rightly disciplining the mini monsters. I know i have done this with my neice(s) and nephew(s)and expected the same in return. However i under estimated the emotions that come with it.. uninvited,illogical,irrational,unrealistic  but very real and very raw. I am hoping this disappears or  at the least subsides as time passes by and/or when the mischief increases to a point where you want to whack the living daylights of them but until then ohhhh!! the feels…..


Sharing the limelight

So all those fights and trolls and memes over how the fathers barely bear the brunt of parenthood ( which is true of course!) and how they manage to have a life while we dont!( which is true again!) and how they sleep right through the night tears ( cannot get truer than that!),most of us laugh over it whilst secretly agreeing to it all.

And then the mister goes out of town and you reluctantly realise that you were wrong all the while. There are so many things that they do that go unnoticed.. like playing crazy clown that tickles your LO silly.. or taking them out for drives or..or.. ok maybe that is it but you get the jist of it dont you!

So thank you crazy mister,not for all the things that you do ( after all,you are a parent as well and so it is expected that you do what you are supposed to do) but for being the silent spectator while the insane mommy gets to(rightfully!) bask in some glory once in a while and you dont.

Glorified Momzilla


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